AGGRESSIVE STRENGTH ARTICLES
We are great at kidding ourselves
By Mike Mahler
So convenient a thing is it to be a reasonable creature, since it enables one to find or make a reason for every thing one has a mind to do. Benjamin Franklin
Last week, Dr. Bruce Nadler (otherwise known as The World's Strongest
Plastic Surgeon) committed suicide. Worse, according to forensic
analysis, he shot and killed his wife point-blank before going into the next
room and killing himself. We hear stories like these all the time,
what makes this one different is I knew the guy: we both spoke at the Fitness
Business Summit last year. Carol and I chatted with him and his
wife and they were very nice people. After my presentation, Dr. Nadler
made a point of shaking my hand and telling me how impressed he was.
Like most people, I never would have guessed he suffered from depression and
that, almost a year later, his depression would reach critical mass,
resulting in murder and suicide.
My initial reaction upon learning of Dr. Nadler's suicide was shock,
then, when I heard about how he killed his wife, it turned to revulsion.
Taking your own life is one thing, but taking someone else out with you is not
your right. That he murdered his wife is beyond disturbing.
I've become very interested in the study of happiness over the last
several months, and thinking about the Nadler murder/suicide my brain's been
turning non-stop. I wonder what Dr. Nadler was like at my age?
Did he suffer depression then? Did he have any idea he'd go on to
commit suicide at the age of 61? Further, when he and his wife married
did he have any idea he would murder her many years later? I have no
idea and never will, yet, if I had to guess, I doubt Dr. Nadler held any of
those thoughts. My guess is he was happy at my age and enjoyed his
married life and being a doctor. Maybe I'm mistaken, but I doubt he
was clinically depressed for the last thirty years. So what happened?
I have no idea, but it got me thinking: where will I be in my sixties?
Will I still enjoy life and continue growing as a person, or will I feel
depressed with no desire to live? The latter seems unlikely given my
current level of happiness, but none of us really know what lies ahead.
We can spend our time planning out our lives, setting goals and creating
an illusion of control over this crazy world, but in reality we have
little--if any--control. You can be in the best shape of your life and
on cloud nine one minute, then get hit by a car the next, ending the rest of
your days as a paraplegic. You never know what's around the corner.
Then, every once in a while, we'll predict something that comes to pass,
feeding our ego and again reinforcing the illusion we can see our
future--yet it is just that: illusion.
The Buddha taught all life is suffering. Sounds depressing—from a
superficial analysis—but the deeper meaning is our suffering is due to
attachment. When we lose something to which we feel attachment, it can
become the tipping point over an edge. I don't think there's any
single reason why Dr. Nadler killed his wife and then himself—I think
there was a tipping point as he stood at the edge of his life. It's
more likely his final scene was a culmination of several concurrent
frustrations.
From the Buddhist point of view, it's not what happens in our
life that makes us suffer, but how we interpret it. In one of my
favorite books ever, Viktor Frankl's Man's Search For Meaning,
Frankl chronicles his time in a Nazi concentration camp, explaining how some
people survived while others lost all hope. The people who survived
sought out whatever form of happiness was available to them: If their
meal was edible, they experienced great happiness; if someone told a funny
joke, they enjoyed the pleasure of that moment as long as possible.
Even the warmth of the sun gave them joy. They looked for—and
discovered—opportunities for gratitude in the least likely scenarios.
Even more impressive, the survivors sought out gratifications
wherever possible. Helping out their fellow men was critical: to
create purpose to make it through their immense suffering--it
wasn't enough to focus on individual survival; the survival of others
suffering the same horrors became equally important. Bottom line:
those holding strong purpose and meaning in their lives were far more likely
to survive than those who lost all hope and thus, meaning.
I don't know why Dr. Nadler took his wife's life, then his own, but I
think it's safe to say he lost all hope and saw no reason to go on living.
When we lack purpose and meaning in our lives, a part of us dies every day,
and it's important to understand this early, before purposelessness, like a
virus, replicates within our cells, literally taking over our lives.
Never get comfortable and stop growing. Once you do, you begin
dying. My grandfather, a successful businessman, was born in a shack
in Montana and went on to become a millionaire and highly sought out
consultant to Fortune 500 companies. When working, he was happy, but I
noticed upon his retirement he wasn't excited about life anymore, though he
still had purpose, since my grandmother had Alzheimer's Disease and was
completely dependent upon him. Her care became his new purpose and
reason to keep going. When she passed on, he no longer had a reason to
live--but not because he had nothing left to offer. His brain was
sharp and he could have engaged in any number of creative projects, but he
didn't see it that way and passed on a few weeks after my grandmother.
I genuinely admired my grandfather, he taught me a lot about life and the
importance of doing what you love; however, his final lesson to me was this:
when you lack purpose, the brain and spirit despair and you eventually shut
down.
My great grandmother was a different story: she outlived everyone
in her life and passed on at the age of 101. She survived breast
cancer, her husband's death, the deaths of her sisters, and even those of
her own children. She was a simple woman and lived in Montana her
entire life—much of it lived alone on a ranch in a small town called
Arlee. I used to love talking to her—she epitomized tough. What
people consider tough today is ludicrous compared to what was tough in her
day. I remember one time she was talking about all of her loved ones dying
around her. You could tell she felt very sad, however she ended the story by
saying we have to go on no matter what. My great grandmother was many
things, but the image I hold of her is of a survivor. No matter what
happened to her, she persisted in surviving—and thriving. The purposes she
maintained throughout her life may be things us moderns would think of
as mundane, even tedious, yet where there is purpose is also survival--and
delight in life. It doesn't matter your achievements, or any fame you
might attain, without purpose none of it matters, like it or not.
I'll never see anyone the same again. Meeting Dr. Nadler and his ensuing deterioration has irrevocably changed me. Now, whenever I meet someone new or talk to a friend, I'll always wonder if they're really happy or just struggling to maintain appearances. Whatever the case may be, I hope you know your purpose and are enjoying this life.
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