The Boy I Was
By John Wild Buckley
I was asked the other day about why I love the Kettlebell so much. The question in itself felt absurd. Why do I love the Kettlebell? Even if a person could love something like a Kettlebell I would still be confused because I thought I hated the damn thing. I am not The Great Milosh, I do not “sleep with Kettle like pillow”. I lift alone, usually outside, sometimes in the dark, and even in the rain. I lift because I have to, I don’t really understand it, but I have to do it. I need to lift.
I was never an athlete. I was big but never very fit or very strong in the body or the mind. When I was a boy I was soft, and lazy, I was a quitter. There was always some reason for me not to try my best. I would find an injury or a conflict that would get me out of whatever it was I was supposed to do. I did not really know at the time but in hindsight I can see that I didn’t really want to play. And I didn’t play. I was never picked first, not even if my friend was the captain. I was hardly ever picked last. I was never that bad, I was lucky enough to never be the worst kid in class. I was comfortable being hidden in the middle, disguised by my peers. It was enough for me to be on the team and be friends with everyone. People seemed to like me enough. I was accepted and I didn’t really have to try. So I thought, but was I ever really accepted? How could I be? How could the warriors welcome a sloth into the tribe? I had never earned my stripes, in my heart I knew what I was. I was a fraud.
Kettlebells have been a bit of a break for me. I didn’t know at first that they would be the keys to my redemption but I felt a special connection the moment I picked one up. They were in the far corner of the gym. Nobody paid any attention to the dusty old things. There were just a few and they sat there as if they had been forgotten a long time ago. I had my friend Gavin teach me a little. A swing, a clean, a snatch, and it had begun. My journey had started but I had no idea it was going to bring me here.
It is getting dark now, there is a light mist in the air and I am in my yard with my 32’s. I have one more set to go. Two years ago I would have walked away. My hands are sore. My legs are shaky. The sun has just about set and the rain is getting harder now. Everything I have ever taught myself is telling me to quit. It is me, the steel, and the memories of who I was before this whole thing started. The boy in me is crying. It is getting hard for him. In the middle of my set the sky breaks open wide and my legs are about to give way. I can’t throw the bells one more time. I just can’t get them off my chest. I am just trying to hold on now. My fingers are clenched around the steel like a fist over my heart. My mind falls quiet. I am not remembering anything now. All I can feel is my heartbeat. I have one now. I have what I never had before. I have heart.
I was a quitter when I was a boy. Only in those moments when everyone was watching would I try my best. I would try my best not to get embarrassed. But now, now I try my best when I am alone. I try when nobody is watching. I love it the most when the pain is the worst. Does this make me insane? It seems the more I suffer the more I am a man and the boy I was becomes just that, the boy I was.
I hate and I love. Perhaps you are asking why I do this? I don’t know why, but I feel it happening and it is torture.
- Catullus
Make sure you check out John's next level 1 KB workshop in San Francisco, CA on April 11, 2009. For more info go to: www.orangekettlebellclub.com
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